Am finally getting to grips with computers....

[orchidman]

I signed up for a computer course which advertises that they can teach you what all the different terms mean and will help you to understand how computers work.

I didnt realise at the time that the course was written by an Aussie..............They sent me some 'Pre Course ' reading

Included was a list of definitions.

LOG ON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.
LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.
DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute.
HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold beers.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys.
WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.
SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.
BYTE: What mozzies do.
MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.
CHIP: A bar snack.
MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
MODEM: What you did to the lawns.
LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.
SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.
HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.
MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.
WEB: What spiders make.
WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.
SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go.
CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go.
YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go.
UPGRADE: A steep hill.
DOWNGRADE: A steep hill.
SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.
INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.
NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net
ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.
OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.


Cant wait to attend the first lecture next week............

[centermass556]

Thats funny...I can actually see some of the guys I knew in the ANZAC standing up and teaching it like that...

[JLDickmon]

you want definitions?

read a Ford service manual

AOT automatic overdrive transaxle
AOD automatic overdrive transmission
BCM body control module
BOO brake on-off switch
CFI central fuel injection (throttle body injection used on 2.3L HSC Tempo/Topaz engine)
DPFE delta pressure feedback EGR sensor
EBPV exhaust back-pressure valve
ERV EGR valve position sensor
ERC EGR valve control solenoid
FICM/IDM Injector Driver Module or Fuel Injection Control Module (IDM's were used on the 7.3 Powerstroke diesel, FICM used on the '02 7.3's and 6 Leaker ).. same thing, different name.
GEM generic electronic module (replaced by the BCM in '01)
GPCM glow plug relay control module (they needed an electronic module to control the glow plug relay on California models.. because California said so)
HEUI (came in "single shot" and "split shot" configurations) (Hydraulic-electric unit injection diesel injector.. used on the 7.3 and 6 Leaker. Early Powerstroke 7.3's delivered all their fuel in a single burst (single shot), Late '99's through the 6.ohNo had a "starter squirt" and a "main squirt" a split fuel shot)
HSC Hi Swirl Combustion chamber (engineers couldn't figure out how to reduce turbulence in the combustion chamber under compression, so they renamed it)
HPOP high pressure oil pump.. how a HEUI Powerstroke used the injector as a high-pressure fuel pump
ICP (does NOT stand for "Insane Clown Posse") Injector control pressure sensor (oil pressure & electronic pulse width determined fuel volume on an HEUI injector)
IRCM integrated relay control module (fuel pump, electric cooling fan, some models also AC and anti-lock brake pump)
IPR injector pressure regulator (see ICP)
PEI piezo-electric injection used on the 6.4 and 6.7 diesels, also the EcoBoost gas engines
PCM powertrain control module (engine controller)
SPOUT SPark OUTput.. spark advance curve
TAB thermactor air bypass solenoid
TAD thermactor air divert solenoid
UVCH under valve cover wiring harness (how the ICM/FICM operated the HEUI's and glow plugs)

[tennmike]

An oldie but goodie internal IBM memo that went viral on the internet as soon as Al Gore invented the internet. Some of the younger members may not be familiar with mouse balls.

"Memo of the Month," From The Washington Monthly, January/February 1991, page 24:

This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest of us find it rather funny.

Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)

Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

To re-order, specify one of the following:

P/N 33F8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls
P/N 33F8461 - Foreign Mouse Balls

[JLDickmon]

An oldie but goodie internal IBM memo that went viral on the internet as soon as Al Gore invented the internet. Some of the younger members may not be familiar with mouse balls.

"Memo of the Month," From The Washington Monthly, January/February 1991, page 24:

This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest of us find it rather funny.

Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)

Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
P/N 33F8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls
P/N 33F8461 - Foreign Mouse Balls

lolz

[Linefinder]

Okay, Alec...You've now been appointed the Forum's new IT Department.

Improvements are expected. Or you will be sacked.

Mike

[tennmike]

Okay, Alec...You've now been appointed the Forum's new IT Department.

Improvements are expected. Or you will be sacked.

Mike

Those responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked have been sacked.

One of the OTHER Mikes

[bruchi]

"Machintosh for Dummies" was my entry, a photographer I assisted was into computers very early on and gave it to me after getting tired of having to tell me step by step over the phone how to get stuff from his computer when he was in the middle of a meeting with a client.