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gunrunner428
Senior MemberPosts: 1,018 Senior Member
"Papa bear" is feeling a bit protective...
gunrunner428
Senior MemberPosts: 1,018 Senior Member
Hey, I need to vent a little, and this isn't something I'm going to put on my general Facebook page.
My daughter, a 17-year-old senior in high school, just broke up this weekend with her boyfriend of 3+ years. He's not taking it well, but she has some valid points about their relationship - he just doesn't want to acknowledge them or accept that it's over.
He's come from a home with a lot of issues, and this plays into his emotional state and psyche, I'm sure without him being fully aware. Granted, he's come a long way since he's been a part of my daughter's life, but his over-emotional response has a great chance of sending him into a tailspin. The worst of it is, he's doing his best (whether consciously or sub-consciously) to make it HER fault for anything he might do. She, and mom and I, aren't buying it, and I think that's frustrating him even more.
So, my 'Papa Bear' instincts are in overdrive right now. I don't believe he'll be stupid enough to try anything overtly disruptive to our family or home, but he's having a very hard time accepting that this is over. My daughter has been sharing with mom (and me) lately that she's feeling smothered by his constant attention, including his suspicions and unfounded accusations, and she's trying her best to both enjoy her senior year and set herself up for college in the fall without having to worry about her BF's approval of her decisions. He is exhibiting some very selfish and nearly self-destructive behavior, and I'm seeing shades of emotional manipulation, and some comments he's made to her within my hearing during the break-up process have been, IMO, borderline emotionally abusive.
We all still care for the guy as a person, and are worried that the emotional and social growth he's demonstrated in the past three years may disappear, but like we told my daughter, it's his choices that will determine where he goes from here. Concern does - and should - not equal guilt on her part. She just made some tough decisions based on self-reflection and analysis of her future plans, asking herself if she could see herself with this fella for the rest of her life, and I think her choices have all been very mature and appropriate.
However, she's an emotional creature herself, and responds to his verbal manipulation with the impulse of the teenager that she is, but I'm exceptionally proud of her through this and am there for her as buffer and protector whenever she needs, and she knows this.
Just needed to vent a little, and am shamelessly using this forum as a sounding board more than anything else.
My daughter, a 17-year-old senior in high school, just broke up this weekend with her boyfriend of 3+ years. He's not taking it well, but she has some valid points about their relationship - he just doesn't want to acknowledge them or accept that it's over.
He's come from a home with a lot of issues, and this plays into his emotional state and psyche, I'm sure without him being fully aware. Granted, he's come a long way since he's been a part of my daughter's life, but his over-emotional response has a great chance of sending him into a tailspin. The worst of it is, he's doing his best (whether consciously or sub-consciously) to make it HER fault for anything he might do. She, and mom and I, aren't buying it, and I think that's frustrating him even more.
So, my 'Papa Bear' instincts are in overdrive right now. I don't believe he'll be stupid enough to try anything overtly disruptive to our family or home, but he's having a very hard time accepting that this is over. My daughter has been sharing with mom (and me) lately that she's feeling smothered by his constant attention, including his suspicions and unfounded accusations, and she's trying her best to both enjoy her senior year and set herself up for college in the fall without having to worry about her BF's approval of her decisions. He is exhibiting some very selfish and nearly self-destructive behavior, and I'm seeing shades of emotional manipulation, and some comments he's made to her within my hearing during the break-up process have been, IMO, borderline emotionally abusive.
We all still care for the guy as a person, and are worried that the emotional and social growth he's demonstrated in the past three years may disappear, but like we told my daughter, it's his choices that will determine where he goes from here. Concern does - and should - not equal guilt on her part. She just made some tough decisions based on self-reflection and analysis of her future plans, asking herself if she could see herself with this fella for the rest of her life, and I think her choices have all been very mature and appropriate.
However, she's an emotional creature herself, and responds to his verbal manipulation with the impulse of the teenager that she is, but I'm exceptionally proud of her through this and am there for her as buffer and protector whenever she needs, and she knows this.
Just needed to vent a little, and am shamelessly using this forum as a sounding board more than anything else.
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Replies
Jerry
ASK-HOLE Someone who asks for advice and always does something opposite
Some of it's been present and lurking beneath the surface, but it took a while for my daughter to catch on to the depth it could get to. She sees it now, better than I could ever hope for by just telling her, which is I'm sure a factor in her decision.
We always watched him close, following a "trust but verify" approach - keep in mind this daughter is one who learns better by the burned hand than by the warning - and he's been very knowledgeable of our rules and restrictions, especially once he'd asked the questions and got our answers. Not to justify his behavior, but we've seen a lot of pressure come to bear on him with his first year of college, and it's only magnifying his personality. I'm thankful that my daughter is level-headed and clear-minded enough to want the break, now I'm going to help her enforce this.
I hope it doesn't come to the bloody pulp option, because deep down I think the boy's shortcomings are something he's trying hard to overcome, but he's reverted to his base nature with this. He is aware, however, that mom and I are there to PROTECT OUR DAUGHTER, both physically and emotionally. It is what it is, he knows the score, and it's up to him to respect it or face whatever music comes his way.
He's already been referred to his college's counseling staff for anger management, at our insistence after another incident involving an argument, and throughout it I made sure to emphasize to both our daughter and the boy that I'm there for her best interest and hers alone. He can either shape up or ship out, and right now I'm highly encouraging the latter.
Domesticated hogs would work if you keep them hungry, feral hogs are just uglier.
Dad 5-31-13
It sounds like the boy needs a real heart to heart about loss being part of life and growing up. He needs to find a way to grieve his loss in ways that do not negatively effect your daughters new path. When you are young and inexperienced like that it can be a tough thing. I know in my past there was a relationship that I lost and struggled with greatly. It took YEARS to get over that for me. Explain to this guy that dwelling on the past is not going to develop new relationships and that continuing to do so will just waste any new opportunities. I would also try to convince your daughter to whenever possible cut him off completely. Do not respond in anyway to him. Facebook, text, or whatever.....are all done!
Rank does not concur privileges. It imposes responsibility. Author unknown
He's wrapped up totally in their relationship, and I've seen him fall hard for my daughter, and he was doing well in understanding parental limitations and house rules. I think it's the stresses of the last year that have brought this aspect of his personality to the fore, and my daughter (purposely leaving her name out of the posts here, you understand) has really seen through the front he's tried so desperately to maintain.
Reality is hitting them both hard right now, she just went to bed crying to herself over the ending of the relationship. They were genuinely attached, and she's hurting that he's driven her to have to do this. It's too soon for a true sit-down between him and me, but in a week or three I can see us sitting down for lunch at a neutral location and having that heart-to-heart. Everyone involved (including me, right now) is too emotionally involved to get any productive conversation going, and I can't even be sure that would be the best attempt. Time will tell on all sides, I just renew my commitment every few minutes to be ready to do whatever it takes to protect my daughter and family first and foremost. Whether or not I have any further communication with the ex will be, by and large, up to his future behavior.
You understand where I'm coming from, and I agree. His healing is naturally second priority to my daughter's, and I have no misgivings about that, but we do still care about him and I want to do the right thing in helping him find some perspective if he's receptive to that. Time will have to tell.
:up:
This day and age, I leave no chance for anything to happen.
Adolescent relationships in this day and age are not what they were when we were growing up...
The idea of blowing it off and hoping he will "get over it" is treading on dangerous ground...he's already shown himself to be an emotional basket case, vindictive and having the potential for abuse...Be aware of stalking or other predatory behavior, these situations often trigger that kind of stuff...
It will be interesting to see if you are still throwing that kind of advice around when your daughter is old enough to start having relationships with the opposite sex. I've taken the result of this kind of "love" to the hospital on more than one occasion....
You're very welcome. For those that don't have daughters it's hard to understand. Especially as they transition from my baby girl to young woman.
Your first instinct is to mount a quad .50 on the roof on prom night. But that's just not reality. Of course she'll always be your baby girl in some ways. But you have to let go. I read Michelle Phillips' autobiography, she of The mamas and the papas fame. She was raised mostly by her father in San Fransisco back in the days of Free love and drugs. She makes no bones about running wild, staying out late, etc. But swears she never got into drugs or promiscuity. Because she had her father's trust and didn't want to lose that.
So, my oldest will be 20 next month. She's come to me with some pretty heavy questions going way back.
She went her own way there for a while. i just played the no pressure waiting game. And like most prodigals, she's back in the fold again. I don't know if she'll ever sit in my lap again when she says, " i love you Daddy". But when she hugs me standing up and says it. Man, i wouldn't trade that for all the tea in China.
I admire your indulgence of the young man and feel certain you'll know when to drop the hammer on impenetrable limits.
I really don't think kids grow up faster these days. They see more crap and are more jaded maybe but not more grown up. I think kids are immature longer now than ever before. I know people my age (27) that still don't have their poop in one pile. Damn fools running around acting like they are still in high school.
Dad 5-31-13
I get the feeling you've (emotionally) wounded a feral dog. I would keep a CLOSE eye on the situation.
I am sure you are doing this but this is a really good teaching moment about making the right decisions for you/her own life and for her to see how an insecure and controlling male can use a female's emotional state to manipulate her. SHE did not drive HIM do make bad choices on how he reacts to the loss. Show her that she can make decisions to better her life without being "controlled" through maniplulation by someone trying to hang on by any means possible even if it is destructive. Show her everytime she runs off to bed crying that is one more time he wins. As a teenager she has her whole life ahead of her with countless opportunites.
It sounds like the boy does not really have a family structure or father figure. This is deffinetly one of those times when a strong father figure in his life would help him work his way through it as well. Instead it sounds like you have a crazy hormonal heart broken teenage boy on your hands with now adult direction at home. I remember being one once myself though so.....
I am, however, posting myself as the "guard dog" of the family, ready to act if and when it becomes necessary. I recall teenage hormones and emotions, if only vaguely, and I am willing to give the ex time to heal and deal with this his own way. I just WILL NOT PERMIT any destructive part of his healing process to affect my daughter. Ain't gonna happen. And I'm sure he knows this.
Possible answers....
Lack of family structure....This, I think, is the big one...
Lack of a male influence in their lives...a "father figure" if you will....
The culture of "instant gratification"....
The failure to instill a work ethic in our kids....
In the end, not all the societal changes over the last 50 years have been a good thing.
Push comes to shove, he will find out about those boundaries pretty quickly. I just pray that his head will cool off, and he has the capacity for self-correction. Kid has a lot of potential, but also a lot of baggage.
A similar one from 30+ years ago. Love struck guy gets the boot, goes to girls house with a 30-30 and puts a V through his skull. Then there was that Romeo kid,..... this has gone on since there have been relationships. There is no rash of anything.
With a LOT of calm voiced assertions!!
BINGO!
Rank does not concur privileges. It imposes responsibility. Author unknown