"Papa bear" is feeling a bit protective...

gunrunner428gunrunner428 Senior MemberPosts: 1,018 Senior Member
Hey, I need to vent a little, and this isn't something I'm going to put on my general Facebook page.

My daughter, a 17-year-old senior in high school, just broke up this weekend with her boyfriend of 3+ years. He's not taking it well, but she has some valid points about their relationship - he just doesn't want to acknowledge them or accept that it's over.

He's come from a home with a lot of issues, and this plays into his emotional state and psyche, I'm sure without him being fully aware. Granted, he's come a long way since he's been a part of my daughter's life, but his over-emotional response has a great chance of sending him into a tailspin. The worst of it is, he's doing his best (whether consciously or sub-consciously) to make it HER fault for anything he might do. She, and mom and I, aren't buying it, and I think that's frustrating him even more.

So, my 'Papa Bear' instincts are in overdrive right now. I don't believe he'll be stupid enough to try anything overtly disruptive to our family or home, but he's having a very hard time accepting that this is over. My daughter has been sharing with mom (and me) lately that she's feeling smothered by his constant attention, including his suspicions and unfounded accusations, and she's trying her best to both enjoy her senior year and set herself up for college in the fall without having to worry about her BF's approval of her decisions. He is exhibiting some very selfish and nearly self-destructive behavior, and I'm seeing shades of emotional manipulation, and some comments he's made to her within my hearing during the break-up process have been, IMO, borderline emotionally abusive.

We all still care for the guy as a person, and are worried that the emotional and social growth he's demonstrated in the past three years may disappear, but like we told my daughter, it's his choices that will determine where he goes from here. Concern does - and should - not equal guilt on her part. She just made some tough decisions based on self-reflection and analysis of her future plans, asking herself if she could see herself with this fella for the rest of her life, and I think her choices have all been very mature and appropriate.

However, she's an emotional creature herself, and responds to his verbal manipulation with the impulse of the teenager that she is, but I'm exceptionally proud of her through this and am there for her as buffer and protector whenever she needs, and she knows this.

Just needed to vent a little, and am shamelessly using this forum as a sounding board more than anything else.
«1

Replies

  • TeachTeach Senior Member Posts: 18,269 Senior Member
    The kid is an emotional abuser, which is a precursor to physical abuse. Don't let it go to the point where he ruins her life. I have vivid memories of just such a relationship where a young lady very close to me was badly beaten by her husband, while she was holding their one-month-old son. Their relationship began the exact same way as the one you're describing. Keep him away from her, even if you have to pound him to a bloody pulp! I wish I had! Edit: Kudos to your daughter for recognizing the situation she's in and taking steps to correct it! You've got a young lady who is wise beyond her years!
    Jerry
    Hide and wail in terror, Eloi- - - -We Morlocks are on the hunt!
    ASK-HOLE Someone who asks for advice and always does something opposite
  • gunrunner428gunrunner428 Senior Member Posts: 1,018 Senior Member
    Believe me, Teach, I see a lot that throws warning flags that I saw with my older sister in a couple of her relationships, and finally in her marriage. I know where this could go, and believe me I will be whatever wall of protection my girl needs me to be.

    Some of it's been present and lurking beneath the surface, but it took a while for my daughter to catch on to the depth it could get to. She sees it now, better than I could ever hope for by just telling her, which is I'm sure a factor in her decision.

    We always watched him close, following a "trust but verify" approach - keep in mind this daughter is one who learns better by the burned hand than by the warning - and he's been very knowledgeable of our rules and restrictions, especially once he'd asked the questions and got our answers. Not to justify his behavior, but we've seen a lot of pressure come to bear on him with his first year of college, and it's only magnifying his personality. I'm thankful that my daughter is level-headed and clear-minded enough to want the break, now I'm going to help her enforce this.

    I hope it doesn't come to the bloody pulp option, because deep down I think the boy's shortcomings are something he's trying hard to overcome, but he's reverted to his base nature with this. He is aware, however, that mom and I are there to PROTECT OUR DAUGHTER, both physically and emotionally. It is what it is, he knows the score, and it's up to him to respect it or face whatever music comes his way.

    He's already been referred to his college's counseling staff for anger management, at our insistence after another incident involving an argument, and throughout it I made sure to emphasize to both our daughter and the boy that I'm there for her best interest and hers alone. He can either shape up or ship out, and right now I'm highly encouraging the latter.
  • farm boyfarm boy Senior Member Posts: 987 Senior Member
    You need a couple of feral hogs penned up in the yard.
    Domesticated hogs would work if you keep them hungry, feral hogs are just uglier.
    I am afraid we forget sometime that the basic and simple things brings us the most pleasure.
    Dad 5-31-13
  • ghostsniper1ghostsniper1 Banned Posts: 2,645 Senior Member
    Nah, just give him some time to come around. I think we've all been there in our younger/immature days. Not sure on the verbal part, but hopefully he wakes up and realizes that over is over.
  • CHIRO1989CHIRO1989 Senior Member Posts: 10,727 Senior Member
    Just Prayed:angel2:.
    I take no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but rather that they turn away from their ways and live. Eze 33:11
  • ThatMattGuyThatMattGuy Senior Member Posts: 666 Senior Member
    . My daughter has been sharing with mom (and me) lately that she's feeling smothered by his constant attention, including his suspicions and unfounded accusations, and she's trying her best to both enjoy her senior year and set herself up for college in the fall without having to worry about her BF's approval of her decisions. He is exhibiting some very selfish and nearly self-destructive behavior, and I'm seeing shades of emotional manipulation, and some comments he's made to her within my hearing during the break-up process have been, IMO, borderline emotionally abusive.

    It sounds like the boy needs a real heart to heart about loss being part of life and growing up. He needs to find a way to grieve his loss in ways that do not negatively effect your daughters new path. When you are young and inexperienced like that it can be a tough thing. I know in my past there was a relationship that I lost and struggled with greatly. It took YEARS to get over that for me. Explain to this guy that dwelling on the past is not going to develop new relationships and that continuing to do so will just waste any new opportunities. I would also try to convince your daughter to whenever possible cut him off completely. Do not respond in anyway to him. Facebook, text, or whatever.....are all done!
    The poster formerly known as '69MercCougar
  • rbsivleyrbsivley Senior Member Posts: 1,055 Senior Member
    It's great that ya'll can talk about it and my suggestion is that you and the broken hearted boy have a little face time about life.
    Randy

    Rank does not concur privileges. It imposes responsibility. Author unknown
  • RazorbackerRazorbacker Senior Member Posts: 4,646 Senior Member
    The Daddy/daughter relationship is a very special thing. And since the hardest lessons are usually the best learned and retained. it sounds to me like you're giving this situation just enough rope, while keeping a tight reign. i applaud you. It's a delicate balance.
    Teach your children to love guns, they'll never be able to afford drugs
  • gunrunner428gunrunner428 Senior Member Posts: 1,018 Senior Member
    Matt, your post is spot-on, and we are in the process of doing the cutoff thing - even to the point of Mom (the account holder for the family cell phone plan) is going to get with the provider and block his calls to my daughter's phone for at least a while. I don't want to provide any excuses for the young man, but I have seen his family situation (disjointed and dysfunctional, with his formative years through the absence of any positive father figure/role model) and we as a family have been willing to give him the benefit of the doubt after the three years of seeing him grow, mature, and develop.

    He's wrapped up totally in their relationship, and I've seen him fall hard for my daughter, and he was doing well in understanding parental limitations and house rules. I think it's the stresses of the last year that have brought this aspect of his personality to the fore, and my daughter (purposely leaving her name out of the posts here, you understand) has really seen through the front he's tried so desperately to maintain.

    Reality is hitting them both hard right now, she just went to bed crying to herself over the ending of the relationship. They were genuinely attached, and she's hurting that he's driven her to have to do this. It's too soon for a true sit-down between him and me, but in a week or three I can see us sitting down for lunch at a neutral location and having that heart-to-heart. Everyone involved (including me, right now) is too emotionally involved to get any productive conversation going, and I can't even be sure that would be the best attempt. Time will tell on all sides, I just renew my commitment every few minutes to be ready to do whatever it takes to protect my daughter and family first and foremost. Whether or not I have any further communication with the ex will be, by and large, up to his future behavior.
  • gunrunner428gunrunner428 Senior Member Posts: 1,018 Senior Member
    rbsivley and razorbacker, thanks for your words.

    You understand where I'm coming from, and I agree. His healing is naturally second priority to my daughter's, and I have no misgivings about that, but we do still care about him and I want to do the right thing in helping him find some perspective if he's receptive to that. Time will have to tell.
  • gunrunner428gunrunner428 Senior Member Posts: 1,018 Senior Member
    Nah, just give him some time to come around. I think we've all been there in our younger/immature days. Not sure on the verbal part, but hopefully he wakes up and realizes that over is over.

    :up:
  • centermass556centermass556 Senior Member Posts: 3,508 Senior Member
    there was a kid at my daughter's School that would not get the hint when she was a Junior. He was a Senior....So, I caught him up one day where it was just me and him, and I looked him in the eye and I told him the way things were going to be after I walked away. I didn't raise my voice, I just evenly said "Mike, this last weekend was the last time you say two words to my daughter, period. If I have to have this conversation again, I will not use words to communicate. " and I walked away.
    This day and age, I leave no chance for anything to happen.
    "To have really lived, you must have almost died. To those who have fought for it, freedom has a flavor the protected will never know."
  • JayhawkerJayhawker Moderator Posts: 14,837 Senior Member
    Having been through an amazingly similar situation, there comes a time when Dad needs to have a chat with the young man. Spell it out in terms an hormone-charged, emotion-driven male can understand, that the relationship is over and the next time he has an interaction of any kind with your daughter, he will be dealing with you

    Adolescent relationships in this day and age are not what they were when we were growing up...

    The idea of blowing it off and hoping he will "get over it" is treading on dangerous ground...he's already shown himself to be an emotional basket case, vindictive and having the potential for abuse...Be aware of stalking or other predatory behavior, these situations often trigger that kind of stuff...
    Sharps Model 1874 - "The rifle that made the west safe for Winchester"
  • JayhawkerJayhawker Moderator Posts: 14,837 Senior Member
    Nah, just give him some time to come around. I think we've all been there in our younger/immature days. Not sure on the verbal part, but hopefully he wakes up and realizes that over is over.

    It will be interesting to see if you are still throwing that kind of advice around when your daughter is old enough to start having relationships with the opposite sex. I've taken the result of this kind of "love" to the hospital on more than one occasion....
    Sharps Model 1874 - "The rifle that made the west safe for Winchester"
  • MileHighShooterMileHighShooter Senior Member Posts: 4,768 Senior Member
    I like your idea of treading lightly for now, letting things settle down for a bit then talking to him yourself. Like has been said kids grow up faster these days, relationships aren't the same as when most of the members were their age. And if you have really become such a positive force in his life and almost taken on a bit of the positive male role model in his life...you need to approach this more as a divorce then just 2 kids breaking up. At their age, they've spent what, almost 1/5 of their lives together? Heck tons of actual marriages don't last that long these days. I'm sure that is weighing in on his problems a lot too, he isn't just losing her he is losing you and your wife, losing another family. That isn't something that just blows over in a week.
    Wambli Ska wrote: »
    Once again, please refrain from cutting short any baseless totally emotional arguments with facts. It leads to boring, completely objective conversations well beyond the comprehension ability of many.
  • RazorbackerRazorbacker Senior Member Posts: 4,646 Senior Member
    rbsivley and razorbacker, thanks for your words.

    You understand where I'm coming from, and I agree. His healing is naturally second priority to my daughter's, and I have no misgivings about that, but we do still care about him and I want to do the right thing in helping him find some perspective if he's receptive to that. Time will have to tell.

    You're very welcome. For those that don't have daughters it's hard to understand. Especially as they transition from my baby girl to young woman.
    Your first instinct is to mount a quad .50 on the roof on prom night. But that's just not reality. Of course she'll always be your baby girl in some ways. But you have to let go. I read Michelle Phillips' autobiography, she of The mamas and the papas fame. She was raised mostly by her father in San Fransisco back in the days of Free love and drugs. She makes no bones about running wild, staying out late, etc. But swears she never got into drugs or promiscuity. Because she had her father's trust and didn't want to lose that.
    So, my oldest will be 20 next month. She's come to me with some pretty heavy questions going way back.
    She went her own way there for a while. i just played the no pressure waiting game. And like most prodigals, she's back in the fold again. I don't know if she'll ever sit in my lap again when she says, " i love you Daddy". But when she hugs me standing up and says it. Man, i wouldn't trade that for all the tea in China.
    I admire your indulgence of the young man and feel certain you'll know when to drop the hammer on impenetrable limits.
    Teach your children to love guns, they'll never be able to afford drugs
  • farm boyfarm boy Senior Member Posts: 987 Senior Member
    I like your idea of treading lightly for now, letting things settle down for a bit then talking to him yourself. Like has been said kids grow up faster these days, relationships aren't the same as when most of the members were their age. And if you have really become such a positive force in his life and almost taken on a bit of the positive male role model in his life...you need to approach this more as a divorce then just 2 kids breaking up. At their age, they've spent what, almost 1/5 of their lives together? Heck tons of actual marriages don't last that long these days. I'm sure that is weighing in on his problems a lot too, he isn't just losing her he is losing you and your wife, losing another family. That isn't something that just blows over in a week.

    I really don't think kids grow up faster these days. They see more crap and are more jaded maybe but not more grown up. I think kids are immature longer now than ever before. I know people my age (27) that still don't have their poop in one pile. Damn fools running around acting like they are still in high school.
    I am afraid we forget sometime that the basic and simple things brings us the most pleasure.
    Dad 5-31-13
  • knitepoetknitepoet Senior Member Posts: 18,672 Senior Member
    Gunner, just reading your side of it made numerous red flags pop up for me.

    I get the feeling you've (emotionally) wounded a feral dog. I would keep a CLOSE eye on the situation.
    Seven Habits of Highly Effective Pirates, Rule #37: There is no “overkill”. There is only “open fire” and “I need to reload”.


  • ThatMattGuyThatMattGuy Senior Member Posts: 666 Senior Member
    Matt, your post is spot-on, and we are in the process of doing the cutoff thing - even to the point of Mom (the account holder for the family cell phone plan) is going to get with the provider and block his calls to my daughter's phone for at least a while. I don't want to provide any excuses for the young man, but I have seen his family situation (disjointed and dysfunctional, with his formative years through the absence of any positive father figure/role model) and we as a family have been willing to give him the benefit of the doubt after the three years of seeing him grow, mature, and develop.

    He's wrapped up totally in their relationship, and I've seen him fall hard for my daughter, and he was doing well in understanding parental limitations and house rules. I think it's the stresses of the last year that have brought this aspect of his personality to the fore, and my daughter (purposely leaving her name out of the posts here, you understand) has really seen through the front he's tried so desperately to maintain.

    Reality is hitting them both hard right now, she just went to bed crying to herself over the ending of the relationship. They were genuinely attached, and she's hurting that he's driven her to have to do this. It's too soon for a true sit-down between him and me, but in a week or three I can see us sitting down for lunch at a neutral location and having that heart-to-heart. Everyone involved (including me, right now) is too emotionally involved to get any productive conversation going, and I can't even be sure that would be the best attempt. Time will tell on all sides, I just renew my commitment every few minutes to be ready to do whatever it takes to protect my daughter and family first and foremost. Whether or not I have any further communication with the ex will be, by and large, up to his future behavior.

    I am sure you are doing this but this is a really good teaching moment about making the right decisions for you/her own life and for her to see how an insecure and controlling male can use a female's emotional state to manipulate her. SHE did not drive HIM do make bad choices on how he reacts to the loss. Show her that she can make decisions to better her life without being "controlled" through maniplulation by someone trying to hang on by any means possible even if it is destructive. Show her everytime she runs off to bed crying that is one more time he wins. As a teenager she has her whole life ahead of her with countless opportunites.

    It sounds like the boy does not really have a family structure or father figure. This is deffinetly one of those times when a strong father figure in his life would help him work his way through it as well. Instead it sounds like you have a crazy hormonal heart broken teenage boy on your hands with now adult direction at home. I remember being one once myself though so.....
    The poster formerly known as '69MercCougar
  • gunrunner428gunrunner428 Senior Member Posts: 1,018 Senior Member
    Believe me, all, I am watching this situation like a German shepherd watches his flock when he knows a wolf is nearby. My daughter and I have a good relationship, to the point where she's initiated conversations about bad choices she sees those around her making, and I trust her implicitly.

    I am, however, posting myself as the "guard dog" of the family, ready to act if and when it becomes necessary. I recall teenage hormones and emotions, if only vaguely, and I am willing to give the ex time to heal and deal with this his own way. I just WILL NOT PERMIT any destructive part of his healing process to affect my daughter. Ain't gonna happen. And I'm sure he knows this.
  • DanChamberlainDanChamberlain Senior Member Posts: 3,353 Senior Member
    A guy used to work for my dad. Had a similar situation. The guy simply wouldn't take no for an answer. The father warned him off repeatedly. One day, he showed up at the house with his deer rifle and walked around the house several times calling for the dad to come out. Dad eventually just shot the little puke with a .357 from an upstairs window while waiting for the police to make the trip out to the farm. Kid bled out before the police arrived. Grand Jury refused to indict.
    It's a source of great pride for me, that when my name is googled, one finds book titles and not mug shots. Daniel C. Chamberlain
  • ThatMattGuyThatMattGuy Senior Member Posts: 666 Senior Member
    I am not trying to hijack the thread too badly here. But it really does make you wonder how with a situation like Gunrunner's and then Dan's story how it all fits in with today's teenagers and this rash of young white boys snapping and acting out with violence. What the hell is going on?
    The poster formerly known as '69MercCougar
  • DanChamberlainDanChamberlain Senior Member Posts: 3,353 Senior Member
    My story took place 35 years ago.
    It's a source of great pride for me, that when my name is googled, one finds book titles and not mug shots. Daniel C. Chamberlain
  • JayhawkerJayhawker Moderator Posts: 14,837 Senior Member
    What the hell is going on?

    Possible answers....

    Lack of family structure....This, I think, is the big one...
    Lack of a male influence in their lives...a "father figure" if you will....
    The culture of "instant gratification"....
    The failure to instill a work ethic in our kids....

    In the end, not all the societal changes over the last 50 years have been a good thing.
    Sharps Model 1874 - "The rifle that made the west safe for Winchester"
  • gunrunner428gunrunner428 Senior Member Posts: 1,018 Senior Member
    Astute, Jay, and pretty accurate on a few of those points. The worst part is, we all still genuinely care for the ex, and don't want to see him tailspin irretrievably. The choice, though, is up to him (as it must be) and as Dad, I know where my boundary lines are around me and mine.

    Push comes to shove, he will find out about those boundaries pretty quickly. I just pray that his head will cool off, and he has the capacity for self-correction. Kid has a lot of potential, but also a lot of baggage.
  • ghostsniper1ghostsniper1 Banned Posts: 2,645 Senior Member
    Jayhawker wrote: »
    It will be interesting to see if you are still throwing that kind of advice around when your daughter is old enough to start having relationships with the opposite sex. I've taken the result of this kind of "love" to the hospital on more than one occasion....
    No I agree completely, and I'm not suggesting he put his guard down. I'd watch him like a hawk and hopefully in the meantime this kid will get his wits about him. Sounds like he screwed up and based all of what he thinks he has, or lack of now, off of her. Hopefully it will just take him some time to see that life goes on.
  • VarmintmistVarmintmist Senior Member Posts: 6,461 Senior Member
    I am not trying to hijack the thread too badly here. But it really does make you wonder how with a situation like Gunrunner's and then Dan's story how it all fits in with today's teenagers and this rash of young white boys snapping and acting out with violence. What the hell is going on?

    A similar one from 30+ years ago. Love struck guy gets the boot, goes to girls house with a 30-30 and puts a V through his skull. Then there was that Romeo kid,..... this has gone on since there have been relationships. There is no rash of anything.
    It's boring, and your lack of creativity knows no bounds.
  • VarmintmistVarmintmist Senior Member Posts: 6,461 Senior Member
    Keep an eye on it, but remember, we all have gone through it. If he is normal, he will blame and rant and cuss. She put him on the curb, its normal.
    It's boring, and your lack of creativity knows no bounds.
  • tjsvet50tjsvet50 Member Posts: 147 Member
    rbsivley wrote: »
    It's great that ya'll can talk about it and my suggestion is that you and the broken hearted boy have a little face time about life.

    With a LOT of calm voiced assertions!!
  • rbsivleyrbsivley Senior Member Posts: 1,055 Senior Member
    Jayhawker wrote: »
    Possible answers....

    Lack of family structure....This, I think, is the big one...
    Lack of a male influence in their lives...a "father figure" if you will....
    The culture of "instant gratification"....
    The failure to instill a work ethic in our kids....

    In the end, not all the societal changes over the last 50 years have been a good thing.

    BINGO!
    Randy

    Rank does not concur privileges. It imposes responsibility. Author unknown
«1
Sign In or Register to comment.
Magazine Cover

GET THE MAGAZINE Subscribe & Save

Temporary Price Reduction

SUBSCRIBE NOW

Give a Gift   |   Subscriber Services

PREVIEW THIS MONTH'S ISSUE

GET THE NEWSLETTER Join the List and Never Miss a Thing.

Get the top Guns & Ammo stories delivered right to your inbox every week.