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Guys, I have a good deer story to tell.

13

Replies

  • Big ChiefBig Chief Senior Member Posts: 32,995 Senior Member
    orchidman wrote: »
    Maybe we could collectively write the story for him?

    "It was a dark and stormy night as I crawled into my sleeping bag the night before deer season opened..................



    (next poster here can add the next sentence)

    " I heard zippers unzipping all around me.. I was hoping it was sleeping bags not my camp-mates trousers..........I got scared and wiggled deeper inside my cocoon of safety.. I lay motionless expecting the worst... I then felt a warm wet sensation and realized I peed on myself......then footsteps came closer and closer ..I thought oh my God they are coming after me.....then a violent jerk on my sleeping bag.... and they said Buffy...get out of the fart sack it's time to go we have already took our rifles outta their cases and and did our final pre-hunt gun checks.....I then................"
    It's only true if it's on this forum where opinions are facts and facts are opinions
    Words of wisdom from Big Chief: Flush twice, it's a long way to the Mess Hall
    I'd rather have my sister work in a whorehouse than own another Taurus!
  • KSU FirefighterKSU Firefighter Senior Member Posts: 3,249 Senior Member
    Big Chief wrote: »
    " I heard zippers unzipping all around me.. I was hoping it was sleeping bags not my camp-mates trousers..........I got scared and wiggled deeper inside my cocoon of safety.. I lay motionless expecting the worst... I then felt a warm wet sensation and realized I peed on myself......then footsteps came closer and closer ..I though oh my God they are coming after me.....then a violent jerk on my sleeping bag.... and they said Buffy...get out of the fart sack it's time to go we have already took our rifles outta their cases and and did our final pre-hunt gun checks.....I then................"

    ....shouldered my "girly-man" .270, even though it bruises my 'widdle shoulder, it would be the best rifle to take since I do not want to kill a deer, just bruise them. I started off into the woods, but realized that I should get out of my tent first, as it would....
    The fire service needs a "culture of extinguishment not safety" Ray McCormack FDNY
  • tennmiketennmike Senior Member Posts: 27,398 Senior Member
    probably see more deer in the woods than in the tent, but when I put on my hunting clothes I noticed they smelled 'funny...............It was then that I looked down at the floor and noticed a dozen bottles of Tink's Doe in Estrous on the floor; all of them empty..............The guys had poured it on my clothes to attract a big buck! What a bunch of swell guys!
      I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer”
    ― Douglas Adams
  • BuffcoBuffco Senior Member Posts: 6,244 Senior Member
    :popcorn:

    Keep going. This is way better than my story.
  • jbp-ohiojbp-ohio Senior Member Posts: 10,167 Senior Member
    Buffco wrote: »
    :popcorn:

    Keep going. This is way better than my story.

    Well.... so far, "I ____ed a deer!" Is better than your non existent story. :buff2:
    "The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not." Thomas Jefferson
  • snake284snake284 Senior Member Posts: 22,394 Senior Member
    Dude will you cut the CRAP and cut to the CHASE already? This has been going on for a week and we have not seen even BLOOD SPOTS on the ground yet.

    As for the rest of you, he did NOT shoot Bambi's mom. Bambi is 50 freaking years old for God's sake. I shot his mom back in 1979. The one you are speaking of is no doubt a distant cousin.

    Now buffy, get a hold on yourself! Take some "Happy Pills" For Christ's sake and relax. Just tell us what happened on the hunt. Well of course, unless CPJ was with you and in that case some things are better left to the imagination...................:silly:

    :tooth:
    Daddy, what's an enabler?
    Son that's somebody with nothing to do with his time but keep me in trouble with mom.
  • tennmiketennmike Senior Member Posts: 27,398 Senior Member
    Continuing on with the narrative:

    As I was walking to my stand it was still dark with just enough light to make out the trees and the trail to the stand. The closer I got to the stand, the more rustling of leaves I heard all around me, and the rustling was getting closer. I picked up my pace as the sun was almost up, and at 30 yards left to the stand, I looked behind me. A whole herd of randy bucks were stalking me! I broke and ran for the tree stand! I jumped on the ladder barely in front of the bucks but dropped my rifle in my hasty climb.
      I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer”
    ― Douglas Adams
  • orchidmanorchidman Senior Member Posts: 8,111 Senior Member
    tennmike wrote: »
    Continuing on with the narrative:

    As I was walking to my stand it was still dark with just enough light to make out the trees and the trail to the stand. The closer I got to the stand, the more rustling of leaves I heard all around me, and the rustling was getting closer. I picked up my pace as the sun was almost up, and at 30 yards left to the stand, I looked behind me. A whole herd of randy bucks were stalking me! I broke and ran for the tree stand! I jumped on the ladder barely in front of the bucks but dropped my rifle in my hasty climb.

    Suddenly I came to the realisation that the lead buck was very good looking and then I had an epiphany. I didn't really go through all the preparation for opening of the deer season to kill an animal just so that I could post up pics on the G&A forum. My motives for being in the woods were far deeper.

    I stopped climbing and turned to look at the buck with a gleam in my eye. I noted that his eyes were deep brown with little highlights in the pupils before my eyes dropped to the muscles of his shoulders as they rippled under his skin. His skin/fur was grey/brown with ginger highlights that caught the first rays of the sun like little strands of gold cobwebs. His body was toned like an athlete and as he continued towards me I............
    Still enjoying the trip of a lifetime and making the best of what I have.....
  • Big ChiefBig Chief Senior Member Posts: 32,995 Senior Member
    And I felt a quivering sensation all through my body from the top of my head down through my Special Stall Climbing Boots, the animal in me was about to released...............involuntary primordial emotions took over...I started to howl ..............frothing at the mouth I turned and.............
    It's only true if it's on this forum where opinions are facts and facts are opinions
    Words of wisdom from Big Chief: Flush twice, it's a long way to the Mess Hall
    I'd rather have my sister work in a whorehouse than own another Taurus!
  • RazorbackerRazorbacker Senior Member Posts: 4,646 Senior Member
    Big Chief wrote: »
    And I felt a quivering sensation all through my body from the top of my head down through my Special Stall Climbing Boots, the animal in me was about to released...............involuntary primordial emotions took over...I started to howl ..............frothing at the mouth I turned and.............

    My phone rang, I knew instantly it was my wife as the ring tone she makes me use is Shania Twain's I feel like a woman. Despite my circumstances I had no choice but to answer. She reminded me that the saline solution in the jar she keeps my balls in was over due for replacement. So I had no choice but to fight my way through that herd of randy bucks. I hadn't been poked and prodded like that since the last SE shoot.


    I finally made my way to my little truck, my drawers shredded, turned the key and.......
    Teach your children to love guns, they'll never be able to afford drugs
  • VarmintmistVarmintmist Senior Member Posts: 7,398 Senior Member
    realized that I had left my rifle in the woods. Since it was a 270, I wasn't worried about anyone getting hurt, but since it is my wife's rifle, I knew I had to retrieve it if I wanted her to ever free the boys. I put what was left of the drawers on my head, and with a smile I plunged back into the throng. I made it about 1/2 way back when I .................
    It's boring, and your lack of creativity knows no bounds.
  • Big ChiefBig Chief Senior Member Posts: 32,995 Senior Member
    Called cpj for advice............he said.............
    It's only true if it's on this forum where opinions are facts and facts are opinions
    Words of wisdom from Big Chief: Flush twice, it's a long way to the Mess Hall
    I'd rather have my sister work in a whorehouse than own another Taurus!
  • snake284snake284 Senior Member Posts: 22,394 Senior Member
    I had climbed up the White Oak tree before daylight to my little stand in the fork about 30 feet in the air. I had been sitting on my little improvised plywood bench for about 40 minutes and my legs were becoming stiff and cramping from lack of blood flow. Shadows were just beginning to appear as the light began to peek out of the darkness. Then I began to make out shapes. I sat deathly still as it slowly began to lighten up and those shadows began to take shape. Finally I made out what looked to be a Real trophy buck. I kept still waiting until I could make positive identification. As more time passed I finally realized it Was a trophy and knew I just had to shoot this deer. I counted 12 points off the main beams and those beams had great mass. Then I slowly slipped the safety off the mighty .270 to the fire position as I put the rifle to my cheek. I put the cross hairs right on the shoulder and began to squeeze, and finally BOOM! went the 270. The deer..... just stood there looking at me as he had been. I bolted another round in the chamber and was hoping all those comments about the .270 bouncing off game weren't true as I squeezed the trigger the second time. Boom!... and again the deer continued to look at me without any indication of being hit. I slammed another shell in and fired again and again the deer kept looking at me. But It wasnt', it was, it was, it was "BUCKY!!! I had shot Bucky, the parks and wildlife's fake deer they use to sucker poachers ........:rotflmao:
    Daddy, what's an enabler?
    Son that's somebody with nothing to do with his time but keep me in trouble with mom.
  • JermanatorJermanator Senior Member Posts: 16,128 Senior Member
    ...And since being very, very, very, very intimately familiar with Bucky and the source my previous run ins with the DNR (fortunately they were too shocked to press charges) I decided to say goodbye one last time to my good buddy. While saying my goodbyes, I managed to get a splinter in my groin. The mighty power of the .270 Winchester must have scratched Bucky's fiberglass shell. So anyway, I got some tweezers and pulled out what I thought was a splinter in my groin. Boy did that hurt! That wasn't a splinter. It still hurts to pee to this day. I tried again but this time got the splinter. There was a tiny bit of blood and I put a bandage on it (see guys-- I TOLD you there was blood). But time was a wasting. Looking behind me, not only was the pack of bucks starting to head my way, but I noticed a DNR truck was also headed my way. So I....
    Reason obeys itself; and ignorance submits to whatever is dictated to it.
    -Thomas Paine
  • Fat BillyFat Billy Senior Member Posts: 1,813 Senior Member
    My X Father in law TOOK me hunting. After the day of not killing a deer caused consumption of spirits. In the early evening my X Father in law spotted a small buck. He grabbed his rifle and shot said deer. It wasn't a kill shot and the deer ran into a wet swampy area. My now good feeling XFIL said "I'll get him" and leaped into the swampy area with a Bowie (big knife). He grabbed the wounded deer to slit its throat. Mr Deer had a different idea, he mildly gored the XFIL and almost drowned him in the swampy area. I was able to dispatch said deer with me rifle when he broke out of the wet area and he assumed room temperature in short order. For years I had to hear about him being gored by a crazy deer. I was not requierd to go on another hunting trip in exchange for allowing the gore stories to not be corrected. Like I said "X" Father inlaw! :applause: Later,
    Fat Billy

    Recoil is how you know primer ignition is complete.
  • KSU FirefighterKSU Firefighter Senior Member Posts: 3,249 Senior Member
    Jermanator wrote: »
    ...And since being very, very, very, very intimately familiar with Bucky and the source my previous run ins with the DNR (fortunately they were too shocked to press charges) I decided to say goodbye one last time to my good buddy. While saying my goodbyes, I managed to get a splinter in my groin. The mighty power of the .270 Winchester must have scratched Bucky's fiberglass shell. So anyway, I got some tweezers and pulled out what I thought was a splinter in my groin. Boy did that hurt! That wasn't a splinter. It still hurts to pee to this day. I tried again but this time got the splinter. There was a tiny bit of blood and I put a bandage on it (see guys-- I TOLD you there was blood). But time was a wasting. Looking behind me, not only was the pack of bucks starting to head my way, but I noticed a DNR truck was also headed my way. So I....

    .....began to strip out of the rags that once were my clothes. Once I was completely naked, I began to roll in the mud to camouflage myself. Once I was completely covered in mud, I began to belly crawl through the mud. ( Boy I wish I hadn't tried to pull the wrong splinter!) Keeping low to stay out of sight of the DNR truck, I worked my way toward my truck when suddenly.....
    The fire service needs a "culture of extinguishment not safety" Ray McCormack FDNY
  • snake284snake284 Senior Member Posts: 22,394 Senior Member
    And tune in again tomorrow same time-same station for the continuation of Buffy's great deer hunt. And now a word from our sponsor, Pig Man Splinter Bullets. Our motto is Go Big or go for the Groin.
    Daddy, what's an enabler?
    Son that's somebody with nothing to do with his time but keep me in trouble with mom.
  • orchidmanorchidman Senior Member Posts: 8,111 Senior Member
    .....began to strip out of the rags that once were my clothes. Once I was completely naked, I began to roll in the mud to camouflage myself. Once I was completely covered in mud, I began to belly crawl through the mud. ( Boy I wish I hadn't tried to pull the wrong splinter!) Keeping low to stay out of sight of the DNR truck, I worked my way toward my truck when suddenly.....

    .......the branches I had ducktaped to my body to break up my outline attracted a squirrel. He ran up my right leg then started chattering loudly. Another squirrel then joined him near my groin area and they began chattering to each other. I dont know if I have told you this before, but I was raised by squirrels and while I couldn't understand every word the conversation went something like this.

    1st Squirrel " Hey, look at these two nuts"
    2nd Squirrel " They look like nuts but a lot smaller"
    1st Squirrel " Shall we eat them here or take them back and have them later"
    2nd Squirrel " Lets eat one now and if it tastes ok we can take the other home"

    I immediately checked that the 270 was fully loaded, aimed the rifle towards my groin area and squeezed the trigger. I felt a mild sensation when the 150gr bullet hit before it bounced back striking me on the nose. Obviously the muzzle was too close to the target cos, despite the pain in my schnozz, I suddenly smelt burning hair. I looked down and saw..............
    Still enjoying the trip of a lifetime and making the best of what I have.....
  • orchidmanorchidman Senior Member Posts: 8,111 Senior Member
    cpj wrote: »
    ...my pubes was GONE!....

    .............All three of them!!!!!!!!.... I know there were definitely 3 cos I used to wash them carefully and then blow wave them dry with a hair drier to give them some 'bounce'.

    By this stage I was suddenly aware that I was standing naked next to my truck, covered in mud and branches with wisps of smoke curling gently up from my nether regions. I didn't think it could get much worse when.............
    Still enjoying the trip of a lifetime and making the best of what I have.....
  • 5280 shooter II5280 shooter II Senior Member Posts: 3,923 Senior Member
    Buffco wrote: »
    :popcorn:

    Keep going. This is way better than my story.

    Nope it was YOUR hunt......so fess up! You're in the Hunting section, not the Clubhouse. A man only tells lies for fishing and auto-accidents.
    God show's mercy on drunks and dumb animals.........two outa three ain't a bad score!
  • VarmintmistVarmintmist Senior Member Posts: 7,398 Senior Member
    orchidman wrote: »
    .............All three of them!!!!!!!!.... I know there were definitely 3 cos I used to wash them carefully and then blow wave them dry with a hair drier to give them some 'bounce'.

    By this stage I was suddenly aware that I was standing naked next to my truck, covered in mud and branches with wisps of smoke curling gently up from my nether regions. I didn't think it could get much worse when.............
    the DCNR truck pulled up with the spotlight on my ....
    It's boring, and your lack of creativity knows no bounds.
  • CHIRO1989CHIRO1989 Senior Member Posts: 12,636 Senior Member
    the DCNR truck pulled up with the spotlight on my ....

    ... disheveled form and in the passenger seats were my wife, my MIL, and my pastor........
    I take no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but rather that they turn away from their ways and live. Eze 33:11
  • VarmintmistVarmintmist Senior Member Posts: 7,398 Senior Member
    and three favorite chicken brides.........
    It's boring, and your lack of creativity knows no bounds.
  • tennmiketennmike Senior Member Posts: 27,398 Senior Member
    The game warden disarmed me and searched me. To my horror, the weeds I'd camouflaged myself with were marijuana plants. Also, in rolling around in the mud, I'd inadvertently picked up two different species of endangered mushrooms, and THREE species of endangered wildflowers. And that 'itch' between my 'cheeks' was a very rare endangered lizard stuck in the mud, or at least a mudlike substance! I'm doomed! SEVEN felony charges! Six for stealing endangered plants and animals, and one for possession of a controlled substance! And another charge of indecent exposure while armed with an inadequate firearm! And since I'd lost my hunting license, a charge for that! AAAHHhhhhhh! I'm doomed! (Anybody willing to lend me bail money?) And it gets worse!
      I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer”
    ― Douglas Adams
  • BuffcoBuffco Senior Member Posts: 6,244 Senior Member
    cpj wrote: »
    ...because then, my preg-a-nated wife hops out of the truck. She holds up her purse and says.....

    I need money, or I'm gonna "arr you inn inn oh eff tee" with the warden! So I replied....

    (hell I can respond, its my flippin story)
  • tennmiketennmike Senior Member Posts: 27,398 Senior Member
    Buffco wrote: »
    I need money, or I'm gonna "arr you inn inn oh eff tee" with the warden! So I replied....

    (hell I can respond, its my flippin story)

    Ummmm. NO! Not your story; it's our fictional story of a deer hunt with you as the main character. You refused to tell your story so we made one up out of whole cloth. And it's a pretty good one, too! :rotflmao:
      I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer”
    ― Douglas Adams
  • orchidmanorchidman Senior Member Posts: 8,111 Senior Member
    cpj wrote: »
    ...because then, my preg-a-nated wife hops out of the truck. She holds up her purse and says.....

    ......."I decided to have pity on you and let you wear your nuts instead of those false ones which are duct taped to your shorts cos I thought you might be embarassed.........."

    I replied " I can explain everything 'Oh Light of my life'."

    She ignored my pleading and ......................
    Still enjoying the trip of a lifetime and making the best of what I have.....
  • VarmintmistVarmintmist Senior Member Posts: 7,398 Senior Member
    orchidman wrote: »
    ......."I decided to have pity on you and let you wear your nuts instead of those false ones which are duct taped to your shorts cos I thought you might be embarassed.........."

    I replied " I can explain everything 'Oh Light of my life'."

    She ignored my pleading and ......................
    as the chicken wives wept in embarrassment, turned to the warden, kissed him on the cheek and .........................
    It's boring, and your lack of creativity knows no bounds.
  • RazorbackerRazorbacker Senior Member Posts: 4,646 Senior Member
    cpj wrote: »
    ...because then, my preg-a-nated wife hops out of the truck. She holds up her purse and says.....

    Buffy, here be your balz, you going to use zem for once or not?! I cowered behind her skirts and listened as she talked the officer out of any charges, assuring him I faced a fate worse than than death when she got me home. But she didn't wait til we got home. She sent the MIL and my pastor home. and well they knew I would sit in the front pew next Sunday. Contritely and shifting from cheek to cheek tying to get comfortable. Then she grabbed me up by the scruff of my scrawny neck and dragged me to the tailgate of my truck. She put me over her knee and began spanking me. At first I could only pray she wouldn't notice the shredded remains of my child like man sack. The pain was intense and my self loathing only increased as I had to admit I was enjoying it. Still, compared to me, she's a very strong woman and finally i couldn't help but cry out. At first it was like the weak mewing of a kitten in distress but finally it was a full on scream. A guttural sound from down deep.
    It was then that I awoke in my own bed, the sheets sweat soaked with my wife slapping me back and forth, yelling BUFFY, BUFFY, vhat iz vrong wif you.
    I assured her it was just a nightmare. I couldn't relax so as soon as i heard her breathing go rhythmic, I used my practiced experience to slip away. I fired up my lap top and began posting the real story that started all this. When i clicked post I was flooded with relief.
    Still, my bung hole is killing me.

    Now Buffy, post the dadgummed story. It doesn't have to be better than someone elses. it just has to be your's
    Teach your children to love guns, they'll never be able to afford drugs
  • zorbazorba Senior Member Posts: 23,667 Senior Member
    I have a friend who goes deer hunting, never sees a deer. Goes pheasant hunting, never gets a shot off. Goes fishing, everyone in the boat catches their limit, he catches nothing - and its HIS boat!
    -Zorba, "The Veiled Male"

    "If you get it and didn't work for it, someone else worked for it and didn't get it..."
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