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More Divorce Advice Needed

1hogfan831hogfan83 MemberPosts: 336 Member
Well I finally got to see the kids for the holidays, I get them again from the 2nd till the 6th or 7th anyway. The mourning period is over and I think she sees it in me.  When I went and got them with my father I think I said 5 words to her.  She had a bunch of my stuff in her equinox in some old boxes and luggage.  I said, don't start moving "stuff" just yet.  Here's my question, we paid off the car in about 20 months, thanks to yours truly, our only debt is the mortgage, we pay off our CC every month which is approximately $800ish so she goes and buys a lawyer, files for divorce, and in the end adds $3000 to our usually bill before I can cancel the account.  Now I don't want to pay that off since more than 2/3 is legal fees.  My lawyer came out of a new account I had to start.  When I pay the minimum the interest is about 21%. I've noted every payment amount and date but still.  Any advice? 
"Well he shoulda armed him self" William Munney-Unforgiven"
"You believe there is one God, that is good, even the demons believe and shudder in fear" James 2:19
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Replies

  • earlyagainearlyagain Posts: 6,749 Senior Member
    Check with your lawyer.

    Eating it will be mandatory on some things. You may or may not get to choose what ones. Arguing about it is not mandatory.
  • Diver43Diver43 Senior Member Posts: 10,906 Senior Member
    Mourning is over. Leave it alone, love and take care of your kids and let the lawyers do the rest.
    Logistics cannot win a war, but its absence or inadequacy can cause defeat. FM100-5
  • JayhawkerJayhawker Moderator Posts: 16,917 Senior Member
    edited December 2018 #4
    Let your lawyer sort it out...BUT...if she is an authorized user of that credit card....well...somebody is going to have to pay the bill...and it's probably going to be you...
    If you have not done so, you need to make sure your joint accounts are all closed....
    Divorce can get damned expensive if you don't think ahead and protect yourself financially...and never rely on your soon to be exes "better nature" she ain't your friend no more..,
    Sharps Model 1874 - "The rifle that made the west safe for Winchester"
  • JerryBobCoJerryBobCo Senior Member Posts: 7,934 Senior Member

    You're already got the advice I would give.  But, for FWIW, a divorce is not the end of the world.

    My first wife and I split after 17/18 years (separated after 17, but divorce wasn't final unit after 18).  Our only child still at home was 13.  At first, I thought it was the end of the world, but soon learned otherwise.  I suspect you will too.

    Think of it as a new beginning and hang in there.

    Jerry

    Gun control laws make about as much sense as taking ex-lax to cure a cough.
  • knitepoetknitepoet Senior Member Posts: 21,090 Senior Member
    Only advice I would give doesn't really apply to divorce in particular.

    I would contact the credit bureaus and put a "fraud alert" or credit freeze on them, so that the soon to be Ex can't open new credit cards in your name.

    My wife learned that lesson when her ex stuck her with $20k in new credit card debt when he left
    Seven Habits of Highly Effective Pirates, Rule #37: There is no “overkill”. There is only “open fire” and “I need to reload”.


  • earlyagainearlyagain Posts: 6,749 Senior Member
    In adding to what JerryBobCo said, my divorce turned out to be the second best thing in my life, with the birth of my son being the best.

    Ive not remarried, but relative peace and tranquility has replaced chaos, stress, and daily calamity. 
  • FisheadgibFisheadgib Senior Member Posts: 5,797 Senior Member
    Divorce law varies substantially from state to state and if you haven't already, I would close all joint accounts. In Florida, any debts aquired while married belong to both of you but if you keep good records, your lawyer can hash it out.
    snake284 wrote: »
    For my point of view, cpj is a lot like me
    .
  • JKPJKP Senior Member Posts: 2,247 Senior Member
    If CC is in your name only, call and cancel her card assuming she has other means to fund day to day care of kids....
  • 1hogfan831hogfan83 Member Posts: 336 Member
    Oh when I saw her lawyer/divorce fees I canceled it at the speed of light.  This could take up to 18-24 month and it will be paid off by then.  I can't stand to pay interest on stuff.  We have both our names on the house but if she can get my name off the mortgage then she can stay.  
    "Well he shoulda armed him self" William Munney-Unforgiven"
    "You believe there is one God, that is good, even the demons believe and shudder in fear" James 2:19
  • JayhawkerJayhawker Moderator Posts: 16,917 Senior Member
    edited December 2018 #11
    Paying for you wife's lawyer is just one of the "special"things in life.

    My ex and I shared the same lawyer...who told us when we met with us said "If you two can manage to be adults, this will be relatively painless and over in 6 months".... He did not lie...and charged me $600.00 for the entire ordeal...
    Sharps Model 1874 - "The rifle that made the west safe for Winchester"
  • FFLshooterFFLshooter Member Posts: 1,057 Senior Member
    Like others said, close all joint accounts and let it be known that the latest CC charge wasn’t you. And depending on how vindictive or not your ex is, don’t expect it to end there. When I was going through my divorce years ago, I was made aware that my ex went to a rent to own place, got a bunch of crap and had her new BF sign my name. Of course they defaulted and the rent to own place called me wanting to know what I was going to do about payment. They realized they royally screwed up when they could tell by my demeanor over the phone that they didn’t have my signature but a forgery in front of them. They took care of it and I wish now that I had pressed charges but it’s water under the bridge. Just be sure to stay two steps ahead and don’t underestimate your ex’s vindictive nature.
  • snake284snake284 Senior Member Posts: 22,394 Senior Member
    Been there two times. First time it was Shame on me. Cost me $5000 and some change to get out of that alive. The second time Shame on her. But I wasn't vindictive and the whole affair cost me about $300. The really good thing is the second and now the third wife are both Filipina and now are good friends. The ex comes by almost daily checking on Annie and the kids. She really improved when she met my friend Donald and moved in with him.
    Daddy, what's an enabler?
    Son that's somebody with nothing to do with his time but keep me in trouble with mom.
  • JayhawkerJayhawker Moderator Posts: 16,917 Senior Member
    Like others said, close all joint accounts and let it be known that the latest CC charge wasn’t you. 
    Doesn't matter if she was an authorized user of the card when the charge was made....you can dispute it all you want but the person that the account belongs to is still liable....ask me how I know...
    Sharps Model 1874 - "The rifle that made the west safe for Winchester"
  • rberglofrberglof Senior Member Posts: 2,656 Senior Member
    When my first wife filed for divorce she used the one credit card we had, she was very unhappy when the judge told her that it was her debt and not mine. Her lawyer told me he was taking both houses (Like they would be his). Told him not likely, the dummy tried to get me to sign a paper to that effect uh no. They went to a judge and told them I owed back spousal support and they attached my wages. Went to his office to talk to him and he refused to see me, told the secretary that I had proof I didn't owe it and he had 24 hours before I filed fraud charges on both her and him. All money was returned to me and he made her sign a paper saying he knew nothing about the fraud. I wanted nothing but one house my tools and and guns and gave her the rest. I did not get a lawyer and got what I wanted anyway.
  • 1hogfan831hogfan83 Member Posts: 336 Member
    Stuff is frustrating.  Now she is arguing over stupid things but I'm keeping my cool.  I don't know.  
    "Well he shoulda armed him self" William Munney-Unforgiven"
    "You believe there is one God, that is good, even the demons believe and shudder in fear" James 2:19
  • VarmintmistVarmintmist Senior Member Posts: 7,398 Senior Member
    Well, I might as well jump in since I am living through it also.
    The charges she makes IF they are post separation, depending on the state, are not your problem.Mine found that out. You may not get the money back until distribution of assets, but her debt is not yours.
    It's boring, and your lack of creativity knows no bounds.
  • Old RonOld Ron Senior Member Posts: 4,265 Senior Member
    A divorce usually is a mess . Mine didn't want 1/2 she wanted it all . A bad lawyer & a bad judge can really mess you up . I walked away with a few things & 150 k in the hole . And that was in 1974. Took 10 years to get back on my feet but it did work out fine . Once it is all settled ..... then your life starts again. If you spend time looking back you won't move forward to well .
  • JerryBobCoJerryBobCo Senior Member Posts: 7,934 Senior Member

    My wife used to be a para-legal for an attorney.  She has told me a number of times about one particular divorce in which the two parties fought tooth and nail over a roto-tiller.  They spent more in attorney fees that 10 such roto-tillers.

    The moral, of course, is to not let yourself get wrapped around the axle on small stuff out of spite.  Some things just aren't worth fighting for.

    Fortunately for me, when my first wife and I divorced, we worked out the property settlement ourselves.  It helped me that she had already moved to Texas and was living with her soon to be next ex-husband, and I filed on her in Colorado.  She wanted a speedy end so that she could remarry while she still had the next guy on the hook.

    Jerry

    Gun control laws make about as much sense as taking ex-lax to cure a cough.
  • BigDanSBigDanS Senior Member Posts: 6,973 Senior Member
    Simply, you share legal costs until you are divorced.  Even if her lawyer is expensive and yours is not.
    "A patriot is mocked, scorned and hated; yet when his cause succeeds, all men will join him, for then it costs nothing to be a patriot." Mark Twain
    Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives.... now who's bringing the hot wings? :jester:
  • bullsi1911bullsi1911 Moderator Posts: 11,148 Senior Member
    Well, I might as well jump in since I am living through it also.

    Shoot.  Sorry to hear that, Varm.
    To make something simple is a thousand times more difficult than to make something complex.
    -Mikhail Kalashnikov
  • FisheadgibFisheadgib Senior Member Posts: 5,797 Senior Member
    BigDanS said:
    Simply, you share legal costs until you are divorced.  Even if her lawyer is expensive and yours is not.
     Dan, that is not correct in every state. As I had mentioned before, divorce law varies substantially from state to state. I got divorced in Florida around seven years ago and learned a lot about Florida's divorce laws and my ex actually got fired by her lawyer after she had spent just 3000.00 and I could not recoup any of the 23000.00 that I had to spend from her even though her constant appeals to the judges rulings are what drove up my legal expenses.
    snake284 wrote: »
    For my point of view, cpj is a lot like me
    .
  • das68das68 Posts: 662 Senior Member
    BigDanS said:
    Simply, you share legal costs until you are divorced.  Even if her lawyer is expensive and yours is not.
     Dan, that is not correct in every state. As I had mentioned before, divorce law varies substantially from state to state. I got divorced in Florida around seven years ago and learned a lot about Florida's divorce laws and my ex actually got fired by her lawyer after she had spent just 3000.00 and I could not recoup any of the 23000.00 that I had to spend from her even though her constant appeals to the judges rulings are what drove up my legal expenses.

    I am single again

    cost me no more than a coffee at The Railway pub

    and a wave off at the station platform.






  • CHIRO1989CHIRO1989 Senior Member Posts: 12,622 Senior Member
    Well, I might as well jump in since I am living through it also.

    Shoot.  Sorry to hear that, Varm.
    Yes, sorry to hear this also.
    I take no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but rather that they turn away from their ways and live. Eze 33:11
  • VarmintmistVarmintmist Senior Member Posts: 7,398 Senior Member
    edited January 2019 #25
    Thanks guys.It isnt going to be painless. Outside of the fact that I was looking to retire in 4 years, she is going to the atty for everything. Has a 5 year olds view of MINE, and a reality shaped by God knows what. She left deciding the grass was greener, now thinks I should pay her bills.I cant see any chance of her acting like an adult and doing a settlement. It isnt really that hard since we had no bills and everything was paid off.
    I will detail it after but it has been an experience of backstabbing and a smear campaign that would do the dem party proud.
    She is making it easier. If she had been cordial and decent I would have felt bad for a long time. As it is, in under 4 months, I was pretty well over her.
    Her latest foray into MINE world threatened to take me to court. My lawyer said "OK" I hope she does. If she doesnt I may spend the money to get her there.
    On the up side, I got back on the diet she quit, and have been relieving stress at the gym that she wanted me to join and then never went to.

    Helps when you are angry, endorphins and all that, and I was angry all the time for 3 months. Now I am just angry most of the time. No 6 pack yet, but the keg is two 12 packs and there a couple loose ones.

    One other thing. I am becoming a champion of gay marriage. It has actually helped mens rights. If 2 dudes are divorcing, the court cant look at the precedent of always deferring the the female.
    It's boring, and your lack of creativity knows no bounds.
  • Big ChiefBig Chief Senior Member Posts: 32,995 Senior Member
    Hate to see marriages break up, best of luck to both of you guys.
    It's only true if it's on this forum where opinions are facts and facts are opinions
    Words of wisdom from Big Chief: Flush twice, it's a long way to the Mess Hall
    I'd rather have my sister work in a whorehouse than own another Taurus!
  • Old RonOld Ron Senior Member Posts: 4,265 Senior Member
    I like being single .
  • 1hogfan831hogfan83 Member Posts: 336 Member
    When I saw the lawyer fees I nearly dropped to my knees.  Do you know how many HKs I could have bought with that money?  When I showed my brother in law I had to catch him. I know she wants me to come back groveling.  About the guy rights, one of my guy co-workers brought that up.  Almost all feminist pushed for gay marriage so, be care what you wish for.  
    "Well he shoulda armed him self" William Munney-Unforgiven"
    "You believe there is one God, that is good, even the demons believe and shudder in fear" James 2:19
  • VarmintmistVarmintmist Senior Member Posts: 7,398 Senior Member
    Well, I have seemed to consume a bit more scotch than before, but I am also working as much OT as I can to lessen the blow of the weekly antics. I have to stay in shape, I have to work a lot longer now. I wont lose 1/2 of the pension or 1/2 of the 401K, but it will be a sizable chunk
    It's boring, and your lack of creativity knows no bounds.
  • JayhawkerJayhawker Moderator Posts: 16,917 Senior Member
    Well, I have seemed to consume a bit more scotch than before, but I am also working as much OT as I can to lessen the blow of the weekly antics. I have to stay in shape, I have to work a lot longer now. I wont lose 1/2 of the pension or 1/2 of the 401K, but it will be a sizable chunk
    In the settlement with my ex, I gave her the house ,property, everything in or on the place except my personal property (guns, etc) in exchange for her surrendering her rights to my retirement...best deal I ever made...

    We had a guy at work who was still on the job in his 80s simply to keep his ex from getting half of his retirement...
    Sharps Model 1874 - "The rifle that made the west safe for Winchester"
  • jaywaptijaywapti Senior Member Posts: 4,958 Senior Member
    All i can tell you is what i have done, it probably wont help you now but might in the future.

    Divorce # 1, Florida, no alimony, gave her the house because of the kids, she had to make all payments, child support, gave her one car, and 1/4 of the bank account, I kept my truck, boats, and airplane, no access to my pension, in the end i ended up with custody of both kids.I had no attorney fees and didnt have to pay hers.

    Divorce # 2, Wisconsin, She was working had her own pension, bank acct. and credit cards, made her keep them all in her name, she got her car, and nothing else, I kept the house. No attorneys involved.

    Divorce # 3, Wisconsin, same as # 2 except because we lived together over 10 years she got $50,000 from the sale of the house, only had to pay my attorneys. fees about $4300. I kept the truck, trailer, 3 boats, all tools and guns etc.

    The biggest thing I learned was that the courts take into consideration if she is was working before and worked thru the marriage and has her own bank account and credit cards.

    JAY
    THE DEFINITION OF GUN CONTROL IS HITTING THE TARGET WITH YOUR FIRST SHOT
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