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23 adult truths
23 ADULT TRUTHS
1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in
1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Ladies.....Quit Laughing.*
1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in
1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Ladies.....Quit Laughing.*
It's only true if it's on this forum where opinions are facts and facts are opinions
Words of wisdom from Big Chief: Flush twice, it's a long way to the Mess Hall
I'd rather have my sister work in a whorehouse than own another Taurus!
Words of wisdom from Big Chief: Flush twice, it's a long way to the Mess Hall
I'd rather have my sister work in a whorehouse than own another Taurus!
Replies
Gun control laws make about as much sense as taking ex-lax to cure a cough.
"Well said, Chief. Well said!"
I have no idy who the author is.
Words of wisdom from Big Chief: Flush twice, it's a long way to the Mess Hall
I'd rather have my sister work in a whorehouse than own another Taurus!
Dave Barry.
A really funny guy.
Answers
-Mikhail Kalashnikov
6.1 Remember when your math teacher said you should never expect to have a calculator in your pocket at all times? Check out my new cell-phone, bee-yotch!
"Nothing is safe from stupid." - Zee
Read the rest of the thread, Sam.
Probably thinks we should attribute credit or something. If we had to track down every little snippet or email forward, we'd never be able to post anything.
You forgot to give due credit to the originator of that thought.
Gun control laws make about as much sense as taking ex-lax to cure a cough.
Obama was right Big chief................"You didnt 'build' that "
:roll2:
Never a doubt in my mind.
Sorry, I missed the one where Big said he'd gotten it from another source.
Sorry too, Buffy, I was trying to compliment Chief for some funny & clever stuff. Writing good humor is tricky and a lot of folks do it and don't realize it's that good. I was simply telling him "keep it up, it's funny".
No, I don't think Big or anyone else here would deliberately grab stuff and try to pass it off as their own, nor did Big. He just didn't put in a little attribute -- check the "math quiz" post and you'll see that Bream said it was from a friend's fb post.
There's no guilt or shame or anything else in borrowing something funny or clever and posting it. It's fun to share stuff. But, as a writer, if I don't see "found this on the internet" or "friend emailed me this" and the writing's clever, I'll properly credit the poster and give them a thumbs up for the smart, funny writing. We've got plenty of smart people here, and they often come up with clever original sayings.
How's that wrong, to compliment someone's funny posting? And yes, if you do forward something funny or sharp and you're not the author, then yes I do think it's only reasonable to tell us. The vast majority of our comments are clearly our own thoughts, nobody doubts it. And nobody says you "have" to credit someone else if you find something clever elsewhere and post it. But if you do this without attribution, you may find yourself given a "tip of the cap" for writing it, thanking you for being a funny writer. This is wrong how?
Thing I remember from physics or chemistry class was that we were supposed to use our calculators or slide rules (yes I used one). Professor said that if you were in the "real world" doing chemistry problems, you'd of course use a calculator. Trouble was, he'd then make the problems even harder, so that your using a calculator (or slide rule) was just the starter of the thing, the rest required your brain. Eeek!
#942: Mornings after, never look inside an Egg McMuffin.
#859: If you lose a girlfriend, don't worry. It's just like missing the bus. Soon another one will come along --- and run you over!
That's the difference between us Sam; Calculus was something you TOOK, while calculus is something I GET - - my dentist scrapes it off my teeth twice a year.
"Nothing is safe from stupid." - Zee
"Molon Labe"..... "Come and take them!"
Ha! Good one!
Strange how math was for me. I think that certain types of math are performed in different parts of the brain. I struggled with arithmetic as a kid. Hell, I STILL have trouble with simple subtraction when balancing my checkbook.
But I took my first pre-calculus course and it was like a door opening. Precalc is mostly plane geometry, stuff like simple quadratics. And it's got mostly symbolic logic and not much actual arithmetic. I zoomed through calculus while the simple math was still a bugaboo. I'm not sure, but I think that geometry and calculus is rooted in the visual cortex -- whatever, it's a different set of logical rules that apply, and it was a snap for me.
There's a couple folks here w. some engineering/math skills. Did you have the same situation? Just curious.
It's like music vs. languages. I could sight read at maybe age 7-8 (snooty high church Episcopal church choirboy) and still can read music as easily as you can read the newspaper. I can glance at a stanza and say "that's A-minor". I also have close to what's called "perfect pitch" -- which really isn't pitch but the innate talent for hitting a note closely off the top of my head ("sing an F-sharp" and I'll come close). I can also "hear" music in my head as I read it. And English? I'm very good at spelling and grammar, need to look up something only once a blue moon.
But foreign languages are soooo hard for me. I fought for years to learn passable German, finally managed it after tons of practice. Picked up a bit of Latin, Italian, and French too, via my singing, but although I can pronounce the words well, I struggle with comprehension. Just to keep my ol' fizzy brain active, I still read classical scores in German, Latin, French, Italian but it's still really really hard. Yet singing the notes is easy.
I'm not bragging -- there's plenty of stuff I can't do mentally --- what I'm pointing out is that certain parts of the brain work at different "speeds" I guess. Some of us have innate skill in one thing, not another.
Now, irritating my forum pals? That comes natural to me...
(okay, thread drift/rant complete)
You either have a table large enough to spread out the fitted sheet for folding, or run it through a sheet drying machine. I was the Ship's Store Records clerk, but worked in the ship's laundry quite a bit. Enlisted had regular rectangular sheets, but most of the officers had fitted sheets and wanted the fitted sheet lightly starched and pressed. I could starch a fitted sheet so stiff it could stand at attention, and if a particular officer got on my bad side while I was working the laundry at night, that's what they got! You could shoot them point blank with a .45 and the bullet would bounce off! :silly:
40. A man must patiently wait for the woman to spend an hour or more getting dressed and painted up for a dinner date and make no comment about it, but if a man is 5 minutes late picking up the woman for a dinner date, he can expect the woman not only to be ready to go, but also to be mad about it the whole time they are out that night. If he's early, she's never ready; if he's a few minutes late, she's been ready to go for a while. HOW THE DICKENS DOES THAT HAPPEN?????
― Douglas Adams
Only Moms can fold fitted sheets. What I did was simply tuck the fitted portion underneath the flat area and hide it.
Regarding women either being ready or not on time, it's a carefully premeditated plan, designed to control men. And it works. Keeps us off balance.
A- Always provide a nice compliment, but make sure it's a bit ambiguous. Another thing is to possible look for a slight difference, just comment on it, don't say it's good or bad: "You changed your hair." Tells the gal that you notice but you aren't saying it's changed for the better. That's safe. She may have changed her hair but doesn't like it, so you're safe. If she does like it, she'll respond with a smile "I'm happy you noticed" meaning you're allowed to now compliiment her "It's very nice"
Trying to answer the question "Do you like this blue dress?" Is dangerous. She may hate it and had to wear it at the last minute. If you're asked, reply "You always look nice to me"
And guys (okay, best for single guys but married guys can still use this technique) ALWAYS remember something that your wife/girlfriend wore that she really enjoyed, a special blouse her mom gave her, a skirt she things makes her butt look less fat, anything, a necklace even. Remember this item and memorize it. Then, when asked "do you like this blue dress?" you can reply "It's nice, but I really liked when you wore that green blouse (or whatever)".
Your rewards will be great.
So learn to alter your normal guy-stuff conversational mode (the one we all use when talking with other guys about important things -- cars, football, etc) where we always say "Silverados are better" and feel good about saying that.
But with a woman, never, ever say "Such and such is true or correct or right". Instead if your lady tells you that she saw something at the office or at a restaurant or wherever, an experience or thought or opinion, reply with "How do you feel about that?" and discuss her feelings (never never judging whether her feelings are right or wrong, because all feelings are valid in a woman's mind -- unless that feeling disagrees with her).
God made me unappealing to women and bereft of socials skills, but He did convey some mathematical ability to me as not to leave me an utter toad. Sam, you're completely correct about visualization of math. When you can look at an equation and visualize what it represents, you understand that equation. Before I digress, let's understand that equations are not snooty puzzles written by folks who try to show their cleverness, they are how man describes the observed behavior of the world into writing (math is the language of the universe). I took three semesters of calculus and enjoyed two of them. Calc I was was great but an extension of high school algebra, although you did have to start making the picture in your head as to what was going on. Calc II sucked as it was mostly rout memorization of trig based identities that guided you. Calc III was awesome - it took the picture into 3D where most of us live. Differential Equations sucked because they were like calc II - recognize the form and proceed step by step without real understanding (I volunteered for advanced classes in DiffEq in hope of understanding them but despite getting A grades I never understood them because I could never "see" what was going on). I learned to use what I could "see" and blindly operate the machinery of what I couldn't "see" when I studied nuclear engineering at UF. I did quite well for a while until a tall pretty blond took a liking to me and became the mother of my children. School was no longer an option. But I still "see" math.
Briefly... imagine a steel frame of welded members, a 3D grid which will form the backbone, the skeleton of a building. Each steel member can move 3 ways, up/down, left/right, in/out. Each end of each member (connected possibly to maybe 5 other members, a total of 6 end points all connected) also can move 3 ways. Each possible direction of momement is called a "degree of freedom", and EACH single steel member can have 9 individual DOFs (each end plus the member itself).
Now realize the frame for an 85 story building. Hundreds of steel members, thousands of degrees of freedom. And, naturally, each member has its DOF limited because its end is welded or bolted into a stiff grid. And this multiplies in a lever action, flexing up and down or sideways, and the simplest way is to only calculate in the dead weight of the steel members and nothing else.
Naturally the members aren't solidly welded 100%, because there are slots and pivot points added at places where you need flexible structures (no flexing and the thing buckles or bends or breaks).
Then add more "dead" load -- weight of the walls and floors and windows, the elevators and AC condensers, plumbing, electrical lighting. Now add "live" load, like furniture, people, cars in the garage, and weather load, like wind and rain or snow.
There are literally millions of potential ways that each steel beam or column can flex (beams are horizontal, columns vertical).
So how to calculate what size steel to use? You create a grid on paper, each point representing a joint in the structure, and assign values to each point. This grid becomes a series of simultaneous linear equations, for which there are modes of calculus for analyzing this.
And this sort of math is something that came pretty easy to me. I could not only visualize the math-based grid that represented the actual steel frame being designed, I could then write Fortran equations that calculated stresses and such for the grid.
But when balancing my checkbook, I still go "mmm, borrow a one from the five, carry the three....er..."