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Fathers, mothers... I need to have a talk with my daughter. Serious topic.

BigDanSBigDanS Senior MemberPosts: 6,973 Senior Member
Some of you know my wife and daughter have been living in Oregon while I have been in Miami the past 10 months waiting for the house to sell. My kid is 13 now and getting a little more independant. Things are different in Oregon, she has more time outside with friends, and more independance. A few days ago she was playing with friends in the neighborhood and decided to walk 1/2 a mile from the house to the middle school playground with one of the girls without telling anyone. My wife informed me that recently there was an abduction at knife point in the neighborhood. My wife was at work and daughter didn't tell her grandmother where she was going. When my wife found out she grounded her for two days and explained to her it wasn't acceptable to go that far from home without telling anyone, and it appears she understands, accepted the punishment and sounds remorseful. All good so far.

She is now about 5'7" tall and athletic and a lovely girl. She is also pretty naiive in the ways of the world. She wants to dress in skin tight clothes that are fashionable now, and I am concerned she is making herself a target. She really does not understand that preditors are opportunists and what could possibly happen to her if she were a target. I do not want to scare her, but she needs to know some realities about abduction, assault and rape.

She has refused to take any self defense classes in the past and she is a really strong kid. After six straight years of competative swimming. she is about as athletically trained as she could be.

She is coming to Miami for five weeks, and I think it is time to educate her better. I am open to suggestions that will inform her but not scare her.

Thanks in advance,

D
"A patriot is mocked, scorned and hated; yet when his cause succeeds, all men will join him, for then it costs nothing to be a patriot." Mark Twain
Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives.... now who's bringing the hot wings? :jester:

Replies

  • Big ChiefBig Chief Senior Member Posts: 32,995 Senior Member
    Good luck! Teenagers know everything, just ask them.

    Have her watch one of the multitude of crime shows about real crimes on cable with you. Lot are about girls/children getting abducted and murdered because they decided to take a shortcut to the 7-11 or home from school or to a friends house.

    Might help, but each child is different. You should talk with her without putting the fear of God into her, but firmly and tell her it's because you love her not that you are mad at her. No single right or wrong way to approach a teenager............

    When I was stationed on Redstone Arsenal and living on post back about 1991 my youngest would sneak out and meet up with her skateboarding friends and go midnight skateboarding up and down Jordan Lane right out the gate ................not a good area of Huntsville then and still isn't.

    Think back to when you were a teenager, scary ain't it. Even teenage girls do some crazy stuff and they can worry you half to death just like boys can.
    It's only true if it's on this forum where opinions are facts and facts are opinions
    Words of wisdom from Big Chief: Flush twice, it's a long way to the Mess Hall
    I'd rather have my sister work in a whorehouse than own another Taurus!
  • BufordBuford Senior Member Posts: 6,713 Senior Member
    Be blunt and tell her how it is. My wife got mad at me over the conservation I had with my daughter. I asked her if I lied and she said no, then what's the problem. Never forgot the day my daughter came home and said dad you were right.

    Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-N910A using Tapatalk
    Just look at the flowers Lizzie, just look at the flowers.
  • knitepoetknitepoet Senior Member Posts: 21,392 Senior Member
    Scaring her is probably a good idea IMO. Otherwise, either visually or mentally she's going to just roll her eyes and, for the most part, ignore whatever you say.
    Seven Habits of Highly Effective Pirates, Rule #37: There is no “overkill”. There is only “open fire” and “I need to reload”.


  • BufordBuford Senior Member Posts: 6,713 Senior Member
    She needs to be scared but confident.

    Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-N910A using Tapatalk
    Just look at the flowers Lizzie, just look at the flowers.
  • Big ChiefBig Chief Senior Member Posts: 32,995 Senior Member
    You gotta give them some freedom as you can't be with them 24/7 and put a protective bubble around them.

    No book or advice anyone gives you will right for you or your daughter. Just try to instill practical and common sense and make them aware of what lurks out there the best you can. Part of growing up and being a parent.
    It's only true if it's on this forum where opinions are facts and facts are opinions
    Words of wisdom from Big Chief: Flush twice, it's a long way to the Mess Hall
    I'd rather have my sister work in a whorehouse than own another Taurus!
  • jbp-ohiojbp-ohio Senior Member Posts: 10,225 Senior Member
    I don't think how they dress is relevant. Most important thing is numbers. Never go anywhere alone, two is sketchy, three or more is better.

    Sent from my SM-J320V using Tapatalk
    "The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not." Thomas Jefferson
  • pjames777pjames777 Senior Member Posts: 1,421 Senior Member
    jbp-ohio wrote: »
    I don't think how they dress is relevant. Most important thing is numbers. Never go anywhere alone, two is sketchy, three or more is better.

    Sent from my SM-J320V using Tapatalk
    This and situational awareness...green, yellow, red etc... Also having a little "group" meeting in the home with maybe some of her girlfriends (and their parents) with a local law enforcement community outreach officer (female) might be an avenue. Third party so to speak and maybe not so awkward for "parent to daughter". Best of luck Dad & Mom. Too many predators today!
  • CHIRO1989CHIRO1989 Senior Member Posts: 12,939 Senior Member
    Blunt is fine, if she is going to have to defend herself it is going to be messy. I have my boys watch episodes of COPS to remind them of the lowest common denominator out there. Just about any martial arts/kickboxing/boxing class will do, make sure they will spar in the class, kids got to know how to take a punch and give it back. I have gone over improvised weapons in school with my boys. You have to walk with her in the general area and explain situational awareness, if she is familiar with the area, bailing out is easier. All the training in the world is useless if she freezes up at the moment, make her think and pay attention to what is going on when you are out and about with her, if you notice something, point it out.
    I take no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but rather that they turn away from their ways and live. Eze 33:11
  • BAMAAKBAMAAK Senior Member Posts: 4,484 Senior Member
    1 in 4 females will be sexually assaulted in their lifetimes. The time for tough love is now. Scaring her may not be a bad thing if done right.
    "He only earns his freedom and his life Who takes them every day by storm."

    -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, German writer and politician
  • CaliFFLCaliFFL Senior Member Posts: 5,486 Senior Member
    I was very persistent about teaching my daughter situational awareness. She's played soccer her entire life, so she can run for miles.


    My lesson to her: Be aware of your surroundings and if the person looks sketchy, run like hell. Distance is your friend; only fight if captured. Then fight as your life depends on it, because it does.
    When our governing officials dismiss due process as mere semantics, when they exercise powers they don’t have and ignore duties they actually bear, and when we let them get away with it, we have ceased to be our own rulers.

    Adam J. McCleod


  • zorbazorba Senior Member Posts: 23,964 Senior Member
    CaliFFL wrote: »
    I was very persistent about teaching my daughter situational awareness. She's played soccer her entire life, so she can run for miles.


    My lesson to her: Be aware of your surroundings and if the person looks sketchy, run like hell. Distance is your friend; only fight if captured. Then fight as your life depends on it, because it does.

    It seems to me that many women in general lack SA - my wife certainly does. But run like Hell is great advice, it saved me once upon a time.
    -Zorba, "The Veiled Male"

    "If you get it and didn't work for it, someone else worked for it and didn't get it..."
  • TeachTeach Senior Member Posts: 18,428 Senior Member
    Teach her the really nasty, painful self defense moves, not the stylized posturing that most formal martial arts disciplines concentrate on. An attacker will probably be too busy hurting after a heel of the hand to his nose, a thumb in an eye socket, a knee to the crotch, or a vicious bite to press on with an attack, unless he's a total psychopath. Self defense needs to be instant, and as violent as possible. Don't sugar coat the possibilities- - - -she might not get a chance to regret not being prepared.
    Jerry
  • BigDanSBigDanS Senior Member Posts: 6,973 Senior Member
    The biggest issue is I believe she feels like it won't happen to her, and still is fearless.

    I wish there was a video for this.

    D
    "A patriot is mocked, scorned and hated; yet when his cause succeeds, all men will join him, for then it costs nothing to be a patriot." Mark Twain
    Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives.... now who's bringing the hot wings? :jester:
  • snake284snake284 Senior Member Posts: 22,394 Senior Member
    BigDanS wrote: »
    Some of you know my wife and daughter have been living in Oregon while I have been in Miami the past 10 months waiting for the house to sell. My kid is 13 now and getting a little more independant. Things are different in Oregon, she has more time outside with friends, and more independance. A few days ago she was playing with friends in the neighborhood and decided to walk 1/2 a mile from the house to the middle school playground with one of the girls without telling anyone. My wife informed me that recently there was an abduction at knife point in the neighborhood. My wife was at work and daughter didn't tell her grandmother where she was going. When my wife found out she grounded her for two days and explained to her it wasn't acceptable to go that far from home without telling anyone, and it appears she understands, accepted the punishment and sounds remorseful. All good so far.

    She is now about 5'7" tall and athletic and a lovely girl. She is also pretty naiive in the ways of the world. She wants to dress in skin tight clothes that are fashionable now, and I am concerned she is making herself a target. She really does not understand that preditors are opportunists and what could possibly happen to her if she were a target. I do not want to scare her, but she needs to know some realities about abduction, assault and rape.

    She has refused to take any self defense classes in the past and she is a really strong kid. After six straight years of competative swimming. she is about as athletically trained as she could be.

    She is coming to Miami for five weeks, and I think it is time to educate her better. I am open to suggestions that will inform her but not scare her.

    Thanks in advance,

    D

    Don't get me started!!! It's not my place on here to lecture you on child raising. Sufficeth to tell you about my experience. When they're 13 to say they aren't very knowledgeable in the ways of the world is a vast understatement. Think about this; the only way people get knowledgeable about worldly ways is living. At 13 they're not even started. They know absolutely nothing. To allow them to go out like that in this day and age is asking for big time problems, some of it coming from outside influences and some of it self inflicted. Things have changed since we were kids. The world isn't the safe playground it was in 1960 or even 1980.

    I helped raise 5 kids. Every Sunday they got up, helped fix breakfast and wash dishes, and then bathed and got dressed for church. There were a few Sundays one or two of them got dragged to the car by the ear to go to church, but that's where they went. No excuses, no reasons not to go. It's what they did. This was partly my exes wish. But I'm glad we did it. All 5 came out on top. They were not spoiled and didn't get their way all the time. Like I told them, there's too many of y'all for everybody to get your way. They received loving discipline. None of that spare the rod crap in our house. We were old fashion and you know what? Old fashion works. The oldest one is a Teacher with a Masters degree. Not bad, the next one has his own boat and charter business and is very successful, because he knows hard work pays off. The next one is 11 years in the U.S. Army in the 82 Airborne with a rank of E-7. The next one down has a PH.D. From Ohio State, along with her hubby. That's where they met in the PH.D. Program. They're Micro Biologists and do Medical Research. They both worked for John's Hopkins in Baltimore for 9 years, now they're in Buffalo NY at some cancer hospital. The baby got her bachelors down here in Texas in Political Science and her Law degree from New England Law at Boston. She is currently practicing in Connecticut with some firm. She too met her husband in school and they are both lawyers. All this took work and self discipline. That's what right raising will get you. When my ex and me were raised our parents didn't pamper us or cater to our feelings. If we had a problem we just had to get over it. That's the way our kids were raised and I believe it help make them self reliant and confident. Whatever, all five are successful in what they do and have achieved higher goals than most kids nowadays. It ain't missile surgery. It's common sense.
    Daddy, what's an enabler?
    Son that's somebody with nothing to do with his time but keep me in trouble with mom.
  • JayhawkerJayhawker Moderator Posts: 17,090 Senior Member
    A 13 year old girl worrying her father sick....imagine that! Teach's advice is what we did....violence of action - gouging, kicking,biting are all things that work without formal training (which might be hard to get your daughter to buy into). It still took her getting the crap scared out of her a couple of times before she started taking what she was being told seriously. After she realized that all is not goodness and light I had her read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker (a book I suggest you read before having a serious talk with your​ daughter) Today she is not a female you'd want to mess with...
    Sharps Model 1874 - "The rifle that made the west safe for Winchester"
  • earlyearly Senior Member Posts: 4,950 Senior Member
    Never lie or beat around the bush with kids. Tell her straight up, flat out. She's gonna dress how she wants, but should understand whats up. Monsters are real and don't fit any preconceived appearance.
    My thoughts are generally clear. My typing, not so much.
  • knitepoetknitepoet Senior Member Posts: 21,392 Senior Member
    BigDanS wrote: »
    The biggest issue is I believe she feels like it won't happen to her, and still is fearless.

    I wish there was a video for this.

    D

    Contact your local PD and ask to speak to a female community resource officer, if available. I am sure he/she has seen enough victims that they'll have plenty of first hand details to convince your daughter it CAN happen to her. And explain the aftermath
    Seven Habits of Highly Effective Pirates, Rule #37: There is no “overkill”. There is only “open fire” and “I need to reload”.


  • bullsi1911bullsi1911 Moderator Posts: 11,299 Senior Member
    BigDanS wrote: »
    The biggest issue is I believe she feels like it won't happen to her, and still is fearless.

    I wish there was a video for this.

    D

    Go to Youtube and check out the channel for Active Self Protection. Spend some time browsing and earmarking videos you want to show your daughter. They are almost all security camera videos of attacks and self defense actions. Shows some kidnappings, lots of stranger attacks, and has some really scary and shocking videos. You will find one or two to show your daughter
    To make something simple is a thousand times more difficult than to make something complex.
    -Mikhail Kalashnikov
  • CaliFFLCaliFFL Senior Member Posts: 5,486 Senior Member
    zorba wrote: »
    It seems to me that many women in general lack SA - my wife certainly does.

    Years ago, I watched my wife leave a SoCal shopping mall, in the dark, during the holidays, arms full of packages, stopping at the car door to dig in her purse for keys.

    I nick-named her "victim in waiting".
    When our governing officials dismiss due process as mere semantics, when they exercise powers they don’t have and ignore duties they actually bear, and when we let them get away with it, we have ceased to be our own rulers.

    Adam J. McCleod


  • Dr. dbDr. db Senior Member Posts: 1,541 Senior Member
    Book: .Larry Jordan
    The Dirty Dozen: 12 Nasty Fighting Techniques For Any Self-Defense Situation. It is 12 things you can do to an attacker to really hurt him.
    Phrase: "You know I love you right? I'm trying to keep you safe. I'm not going to apologize for doing the best job I can to keep you safe."
  • snake284snake284 Senior Member Posts: 22,394 Senior Member
    snake284 wrote: »
    Don't get me started!!! It's not my place on here to lecture you on child raising. Sufficeth to tell you about my experience. When they're 13 to say they aren't very knowledgeable in the ways of the world is a vast understatement. Think about this; the only way people get knowledgeable about worldly ways is living. At 13 they're not even started. They know absolutely nothing. To allow them to go out like that in this day and age is asking for big time problems, some of it coming from outside influences and some of it self inflicted. Things have changed since we were kids. The world isn't the safe playground it was in 1960 or even 1980.
    Daddy, what's an enabler?
    Son that's somebody with nothing to do with his time but keep me in trouble with mom.
  • coolgunguycoolgunguy Senior Member Posts: 6,614 Senior Member
    If she is anything like my daughter, your talk will mean little if you try to 'force' her to listen and learn. I don't blame Sarah, she comes by it honest... but, if I'm trying to impart wisdom, the imparting had better have been her idea. She has a hard damned head, just like her father.

    So, what I've learned is to employ my guile... If she asks me, I've found not only does she listen but she she actually learns! This leads to me taking the long way 'round on a lot of things that I would rather not, but the results are much more satisfactory for both of us.
    "Bipartisan" usually means that a bigger than normal deception is happening.
    George Carlin
  • Vic's ViewpointVic's Viewpoint Senior Member Posts: 1,196 Senior Member
    knitepoet wrote: »
    Scaring her is probably a good idea IMO. Otherwise, either visually or mentally she's going to just roll her eyes and, for the most part, ignore whatever you say.

    Paul's right. The technical (!) term for that is, "Tune you out," or something similar. It may be that the "scared straight" approach is a bit too harsh at her young age, but you gotta get through to her somehow. IMO there's good advice already on this thread, though. Is her mother helping you out here?
    Member formerly known as "vlafrank."
  • horselipshorselips Senior Member Posts: 3,628 Senior Member
    When I was young teenager, I thought I knew it all, when I grew up I realized I was right all along.

    Whatever else we may or may not be, we are two things first and foremost - we are spiritual beings, and we are sexual beings, and they're tied for first place in our psyches. We're hard-wired with an insatiable religious curiosity, simultaneously we are the only creature that is always in heat. Contemplate these realities for a moment, and decide if one of our two essential aspects might be effective in at least somewhat mitigating the other. Take it from there.
  • JayhawkerJayhawker Moderator Posts: 17,090 Senior Member
    horselips wrote: »
    When I was young teenager, I thought I knew it all, when I grew up I realized I was right all along.

    Whatever else we may or may not be, we are two things first and foremost - we are spiritual beings, and we are sexual beings, and they're tied for first place in our psyches. We're hard-wired with an insatiable religious curiosity, simultaneously we are the only creature that is always in heat. Contemplate these realities for a moment, and decide if one of our two essential aspects might be effective in at least somewhat mitigating the other. Take it from there.

    That's really deep....also W T actual F?
    Sharps Model 1874 - "The rifle that made the west safe for Winchester"
  • BigslugBigslug Senior Member Posts: 8,386 Senior Member
    BigDanS wrote: »
    She is coming to Miami for five weeks, and I think it is time to educate her better. I am open to suggestions that will inform her but not scare her.

    Well Dan, my first suggestion would be to scare her. The world has always had lions, tigers, and bears. Now it also has psychotic humans, drug addicts, and human traffickers. There's stuff out there that only an idiot wouldn't be afraid of, and fear ain't a bad thing.

    You can spout happy platitudes like "yeah, but if you're afraid, the terrorists win". No. . .the terrorists win if they kill you, and they're more likely to do that if you live your life in condition white, fat, dumb, happy, and thinking everyone else in the world is as kind as your dad. Yes, your job is to be a fierce watchdog when she's six, but you can't extend that out to being a helicopter parent when you're 80 and she's 50. Time to have "the talk", starting with clearly explaining that if you seem like an ****, it's because she needs to understand what the TRUE a-holes of the world consist of.
    WWJMBD?

    "Nothing is safe from stupid." - Zee
  • JeeperJeeper Senior Member Posts: 2,954 Senior Member
    Scare her. I wouldn't hesitate if I thought that tactic would work.
    Wielding the Hammer of Thor first requires you to lift and carry the Hammer of Thor. - Bigslug
  • JLDickmonJLDickmon Senior Member Posts: 1,726 Senior Member
    SIGgal wrote: »
    As a female, I can assure you that she is aware of what can happen Dan. I am a rape survivor, and I never thought it could happen to me, but I knew that if I was in the wrong place, or doing what I shouldn't be doing that it was possible. The not me mentality is our worst enemy. My lack of SA didn't factor in as my assault was by my ex. Now I surround myself with very large armed guys when I go anywhere. It helps to have a protective daddy as well, so she will be ok.


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

    right there. That is what she needs to hear.
    Never laugh at your wife's choices.
    You are one of them.
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